Friday, June 26, 2009


With the advent of summer weather in Chicago (Finally!) has come a major influx of bums, the likes of which I have never seen. I even saw one sleeping in our alley when I took Milly out to potty this morning. She jumped back and growled a low growl (he had a cardboard box, Milly's perpetual foe is the cardboard box) and I shushed her. "Milly, shhhh.... the man is sleeeeeeping!" I whispered before I realized how absurd that statement was. I mean, a) the man is sleeping in an alley, it can't be all THAT restful and b) like Milly understands anything I say. I guarantee she just knows the words BACON, CHEESE, and OUTSIDE!

Anyways, there have been two bums at the train station all week long. Oh and they've been drunk... just Wasted drunk, even at 8:30 AM when I'm going to work (hey it's 5 o'clock somewhere right?!). On Monday, one introduced me to his pet pigeons, Spike and Harry. I wasn't quite sure what to do with that. I just nodded and, thankfully, the train came and saved me.

Today I was hot and tired as I walked up to the train station, and plopped down on a ledge with a sigh. The bum started laughing. Then he started up this convo:
Bum: Run out of gas did ya?
Me: Yeah. It's hot out
Bum: Yup, this weather will do it to you.
Me: Yup (thinking...please stop talking...)
Bum: So how far along are ya?
Me: (thinking... seriously should not have worn this billowy top) I'm not pregnant.
At this point the Chick standing next to me bursts out laughing
Bum: (defensively now) I didn't ask if you were pregnant
Me: You asked how far along I am. How am I supposed to take that?
Bum: I'm sorry! I mean, I just meant..... where did you come from! How far did you walk to get here?
Me: Um, not far.
Bum: Keeps apologizing
Chick next to me: Wow, awkward conversation.
Me: (to the chick next to me) Last year I was with my sister at lunch, and the waitress walked up and said "Wow, are you both pregnant!" and I said "She is, I'm just fat"
Chick next to me: (laughing) Great way to start the day, right?

At this point (thank goodness!) the train comes, and I tell the bum "hey buddy, don't worry about it" because he won't shut up about it. I hurry to get the h-e-double-hockeysticks outta there.

I obviously need to lose weight. Or stop wearing billowy tops.


Kevin said...

Ha. Those bums heckled some people as I was riding my bike through the Ashland and Cortland intersection. Good thing I was wise enough not to talk to them. The girl on her bike next to me made that mistake. Let's just say it felt like a real long red light while we were waiting for green.

Mich said...

I noticed on Monday that one of the bums had a cell phone on his hip. Andy and I were perplexed and thought maybe it was for show...until he started talking on it. How does he charge that thing?

MonkeyBusiness said...

I am seriously wondering where he charges the cell phone!!

Oh and one of the bums totally peed in that tunnel this mornign that goes to the NW line, it was sick. :p